literally had 100 drinks last night.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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