mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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