im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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