i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
