Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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