Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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