if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize