Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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