ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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