will power is for people who don't want to get laid
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
