First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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