I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
