i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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