Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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