Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
