i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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