dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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