I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
