Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
