I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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