btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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