By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
