and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
