you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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