i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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