At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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