toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I love you.
Bad choice
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
