"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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