he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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