I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
