When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
