So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
