i already hear my dad disowning me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize