I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
