Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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