dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
