when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
