I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
