I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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