i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
