I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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