From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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