I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
