it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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