I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
