He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
