I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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