I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
