Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
