did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
