the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
