Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
