he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
