i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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