There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
