If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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