we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize