Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
