youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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