yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
