I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
