I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize