mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
