Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
