just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
