Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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