I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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