I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
