And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
