my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
