I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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