Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
