I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize