He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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