Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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